Dissonance

1. Back in to someone with the company truck on a Saturday.

Nothing says “bad Monday” like calling your boss about something like this. It happened in a grocery store parking lot. I know, big surprise. Some woman came up behind me and was so far up my ass that just putting it in reverse, without using the gas pedal, I backed into her. Actually, I just rolled into her. There couldn’t have been any more than 12 inches between our bumpers. She got a dimple about the size of a fifty cent piece in the front of her hood and some black scuff marks on her precious plastic bumper. I can pretty much count on her having the entire hood and bumper replaced.

I didn’t make it to the beach yesterday. I blew it off because Gabby caused a . . . Ok, it was because I stayed up too late and overslept. It was Saturday morning. When I woke up I decided to stay one with my california king bed for a few more hours and man, oh, man, did I ever.

As soon as I crawled out of bed and stepped out of my bedroom Gabby roared up in my face and asked if she could meet her friend at Barnes & Noble.
Me: I thought you had a butt-load of Geometry to complete before Monday.
Her: I do. We both do.
Me: Well, why the hell are you two wanting to go to the bookstore?
Her: To do our homework.
Me: (head in lap, scratching head with both hands)
Her: (anticipating my next question) Lots of kids at my school do this. It’s peaceful and quiet and there’s a Starbucks in there.
Me: ?
Me: I see.

So off to Barnes & Noble we went. I didn’t just fall off the turnip wagon; I know they are probably there to see and be seen. That’s okay though. They could be doing a lot worse. If they were bad kids they wouldn’t be hanging out at a bookstore doing homework. When I picked her up I asked if she finished her homework there. She said they finished about half of it. When I asked why they only finished half of it she said “because all those books in there are so distracting”.

I am so not worried about my daughter or her group of friends. In fact, I don’t feel that I’m worthy of this peace of mind. I was a parent’s nightmare as a teen.

Today an AM talk radio show I was listening to asked listeners to call in with examples of “Things They Knew They Shouldn’t Have Done, Did It Anyway But Felt It Was Worth It”. They were giving away stuff; the better the story the better the prize. It made me think about myself and something did come to mind.

I doubt this is the best example but after remembering it I have an irresistable urge to share it with you. After the wife-turned-violent-shrew and I officially parted ways one Saturday night in 2000 I spent the night at our friend’s house and then stayed with my sister for about two weeks until I got a place of my own. Because I left so abruptly I had to go back to the house (which was in my name) several times to get extra clothes and other essentials during those two weeks. I always did this in the middle of the day when she was at work and the kids were at school. She had turned into Regan from “The Excorsist” and there was no way we could be face to face at this time.

One day while in the bathroom area where our closets were my eyes landed on the toothbrush holder. There it was - Her toothbrush. Suddenly, the devil took hold of my hand. I took it out of the holder and began cleaning the toilet with it. I was thorough too. I got the underside of the bottom lid, the upper part of the bowl, the inside of the bowl and most importantly the disgusting underside of the main bowl where God only knows what festers. I looked at the brush and saw that it was now a filthy, nauseating health hazard. In a very brief moment of remorse I did the right thing and washed it off by swishing the brush around in the toilet bowl until all the gunk was washed off. I stuck it back in the holder, got my stuff and left. Yes, it was worth it.

I woke up in a relatively good mood and had a productive day without any problems. That is until I got back to my side of town at the end of the day. I was all over this city today but it wasn’t until I got back to my own neighborhood that my day just went to shit within an hour. It was the very last hour before I got home at the end of the day. I should have just picked up Gabby and gone straight home instead of stopping off at the reptile place first and then going to the grocery store after I picked her up.

My mood took it’s first downward turn when I stopped at the fish and reptile place which wasn’t really urgent because turtles will eat anything. Plus we keep minnows in the aquarium for them to eat and minnows breed like rats. I just did this because Gabby asked me to. Get ready to hear the word “again” over and over. When I got out of my truck and made my way toward the store I noticed that a car was backing out right in front of the store. I waited as they began to slowly pull out so that they could get out and on their way without having to wait for me to get out of the way. The car stopped rolling backward after about three feet and just sat there for awhile. I then started to move across and this time the car lunged backward. I stopped again and stepped back onto the curb and waited for them to continue pulling out. It just sat there and sat there. I started across again and the car lunged backward again. I decided to make my way around the front of the car. This time it started moving foreward preventing me from making my way around the front. I stepped back and waited. Again, it just sat there. I decided to just walk around the back of the car and it started backing up. I stopped. It stopped. I moved. It moved. Finally, I stepped it up and began to dash around the rear again. The car kept up with me foot for foot this time completely blocking me which of course was the intention. Finally, both right-side windows rolled down. What I saw was a car-full of thugs (5 or 6) all looking me right in the eye and laughing their useless, worthless, intoxicated, lazy asses off at my expense.

I bought the damned turtle food and went to pick up Gabby around the corner. From there we went to the store. When it was time to check our items out I decided to have it checked for me because I had a lot of produce and the self check lines were backing up into the aisles. Well, guess what? For the second time in a row it turned out to be the same little 19 or 20 something shit-head that checked out my groceries over the weekend. He has little-guy syndrome. Same as little man syndrome. He stands about 5′ 4″ has a permanently clenched jaw and lips pursed so tightly that you couldn’t drive a nail between them. My 14 year-old daughter is taller than he is and I think he noticed that. Of course he never even looked up at me when he started angrily scanning my stuff. When he had completed that, without looking up he said “Kroger card.” I handed it to him. He handed it back to me with my change. I said “Thank you.” He never even looked up. I thanked him again a little more audibly. He just looked up for less than a second, snorted through his nose, looked back down and began ringing up the next customer. I decided at that moment that the next time this ever happens, no matter where it is, I am going to tell them what to do with themselves and where to go and walk away leaving the store’s property to rot at the register.

After that we took some back streets home in total silence. Gabby knew I was extremely pissed off. I nearly bit my tongue in half to keep from expressing how I was feeling at this point. As we rounded the last corner and were no more than a block from home, some thug with two pit bulls started crossing the street way down the street in front of us. I slowed down to allow the guy enough time for him and his dogs to get across the street before I reached that point. What does he do? The closer I get, the slower he moves. When I finally get in direct proximity, he and his attack dogs stop dead in the middle of the street and face my truck just daring me to run over them. Believe me, I was temped. The message from this particular thug was clear: You get out of our way when we’re in the streets, or else. At this point I’d had about all I could take. So just to make a point I did not go around him. I slowed down to a stop right in front of him and layed on the horn. This class-act called me a mother fucker and slapped the hood of my truck. I had Gabby in the truck and he had two pit bulls. What can I do? When he got out of my way I drove home.

Click each picture to enlarge it

Sorry for the lack of entries. Life sucker-punched me but I got back up and and managed to put out all the fires. I am back now.

Herding cats. Juggling frantic kittens. Trying to nail Jello to a wall. This is what our last two weeks have been like.

Sara (my oldest) has moved back in. This happened Monday evening. She’s been through a lot and because of that I’m also affected. The two of us are mostly drained. She emotionally and myself mentally. That’s why I haven’t visited any other blogs or said anything here lately.

Gabby is thrilled though.

My sweet little doodoo-brained daugher loses just about everything she leaves the house with. It doesn’t matter if she’s spending the weekend at her mom’s, her friend’s, spending the day at her friends, going to school or just going out to the front porch and back. If she walks out the door with it, it’s a gonner. Never to be seen again. I’m talking shoes and clothes too!

Sigh. Toothbrushes. I should buy them in bulk and hand her one every Monday like I do her lunch money for the week. I could not even tell you how many I’ve picked up at the store in the last 13 years.

Well, guess what? She lost another one this weekend. I don’t know where the hell they go. This afternoon after work I stopped at a convenience store for the toothbrush because I didn’t need to go to a grocery store. I got what I thought was the best out of what they had to offer (and remember, it’s just going to be lost in about 6 or 7 days anyway).

She immediately flipped it over and started reading the specs. I don’t know why she does this but it sure revealed some interesting text on the back this time.

“So Dad, you’re trying to poison me?”
(Calmly) “Yes, I’m trying to poison you.”
“This was made in China.”
“OK, I’ll get you another one tomorrow!”
“But, Dad . . . “
“What???”
This is pretty much the way every week night sounds like at our house.

The kid had a good point though. I knew it too but was just messing with her (she’s tougher on me). This is what the back of the toothbrush package said and on my honor this is not only word for word but letter for letter and typed exactly as it was printed:

1. Oval-shaped brush hesd, it cam easily access every hidden part in the mouth for thorough cleaning. 2. Wave bristles: to clear away the crack dirt, result is special well, the bristles can achieve clean and massage your teeth dual efficacy.

Need I go on? Yes, Gabby was right this time.

Update: Tonight we were at my parent’s house and Gabby somehow ended up leaving her school ID and her key to our front door over there. See what I mean?

Kids. Damn!