Archive for the ‘decisions’ Category

I hope at least one person sees this. It took me about 20 bleary-eyed hours to create the 43 seconds of goofy crap shown in the link below.

Trouble Deluxe

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I found something very unwelcome in my mail box when I got home yesterday afternoon. It was from
Houston Police Department
Camera Enforcement Division

Without even opening the envelope I knew it was a ticket for running a red light which was caught on camera. When I got inside, I sat down and ripped it open. Only then did I see that it was issued to someone else but sent to my address.

I was now in a minor ethical dilemma. Even if I did find them using directory assistance, the only way I saw possible, I’d be giving them their mail, opened and thoroughly read by me. However, if this information never got to them a warrant would be issued for their arrest and I would be partially responsible for that. I never saw the names above my address. I assumed it was for me because about two months ago some idiot a few cars ahead of me decided to stop and I was caught in the middle of an intersection where the light turned red. As I was looking behind me I saw the unmistakable flash of one of those damned red light cameras.

Not knowing who these people were I called information and actually got a hit on one of the names. When I called the number a female answered. I said:

“We don’t know each other but I think I have some of your mail.”

After much confusion and the phone being handed back and forth between two females and me explaining the situation several times and much disscussion between the two of them, one of them finally got back on the phone and said:

“Oh, chit . . . can we mit you over there?”

Sure enough at least one of them used to live in my unit a long time ago so she knew the place. She asked if I would meet them at the fitness center in five minutes. They were punctual. I didn’t know who I was looking for but when I saw two girls pull in with their heads turning frantically from side to side I knew it was them. I then stepped out of the shadows in my trench coat with my hat pulled down over my eyes. I reached into my inside breast pocket and . . .

Okay, kidding. It was daylight and I simply held the envelope up and they both nodded wildly. I handed it to them, they thanked me and that was that. These were two girls that in no way at all belong in jail even for a few hours. I slept last night.

Today an AM talk radio show I was listening to asked listeners to call in with examples of “Things They Knew They Shouldn’t Have Done, Did It Anyway But Felt It Was Worth It”. They were giving away stuff; the better the story the better the prize. It made me think about myself and something did come to mind.

I doubt this is the best example but after remembering it I have an irresistable urge to share it with you. After the wife-turned-violent-shrew and I officially parted ways one Saturday night in 2000 I spent the night at our friend’s house and then stayed with my sister for about two weeks until I got a place of my own. Because I left so abruptly I had to go back to the house (which was in my name) several times to get extra clothes and other essentials during those two weeks. I always did this in the middle of the day when she was at work and the kids were at school. She had turned into Regan from “The Excorsist” and there was no way we could be face to face at this time.

One day while in the bathroom area where our closets were my eyes landed on the toothbrush holder. There it was – Her toothbrush. Suddenly, the devil took hold of my hand. I took it out of the holder and began cleaning the toilet with it. I was thorough too. I got the underside of the bottom lid, the upper part of the bowl, the inside of the bowl and most importantly the disgusting underside of the main bowl where God only knows what festers. I looked at the brush and saw that it was now a filthy, nauseating health hazard. In a very brief moment of remorse I did the right thing and washed it off by swishing the brush around in the toilet bowl until all the gunk was washed off. I stuck it back in the holder, got my stuff and left. Yes, it was worth it.

Click each picture to enlarge it


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Solution

Posted: February 2, 2008 in decisions, people

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I really hate election years. It’s only the second day of February and I’m already sick to death of it all. Especially this time. In a bad dream I think I could come up with a candidate and running mate for the democrats and get all this long, drawn-out bullshit over with. In my bad dream it would be possible for humans to merge mind and body (forget soul), creating a hybrid of the two. The obvious would be that of Hillary and Obama. It could also make for great plackards, posters, banners and bumper stickers that read: “HO in 08”. In this same bad, bad dream the running mate might be the hybrid of Ted Kennedy and Helen Thomas who I think resemble each other anyway. This is what I think the candidates would look like.

Circle, circle, dot, dot . . .

Posted: December 16, 2007 in decisions

It’s never too late.

Immunize your children now

Lowering the standards

Posted: September 4, 2007 in decisions

I know this is a really, really bad idea but I just don’t care. It’s been awhile since my last post and I need to show that this is still an active blog. If I didn’t suspect that my parents and certain relatives secretly read what I post here after I asked them not to for their own good, this site would be a whole hell of a lot more interesting.

Rather than tell you what happened over the weekend, I’m going to place an ad here. The idea came to me while I was looking through our local free ad publication and all of it’s typos as I was clearing out some trash from my storage space today.

Free Crap
Seven wooden pallets . . . $0.00
25-30 plastic 5 gallon buckets . . . $0.00


At one time I thought I could never have enough pallets and buckets (it’s good beach gear) but now I am overrun with this crap. If you want it, leave a comment and some contact information.