Archive for the ‘life’ Category

My life in four paragraphs

Posted: November 15, 2008 in home, life, work
Tags: , , , , , ,

This is a re-run of a June 2007 post. According to my stats this is the second most viewed post on this blog. I’m surprised by the number of views and how much they increase. When I first posted this I was most likely in “one of those” moods. I just started typing and then hit the publish button. After seeing it after all this time I decided to clean it up a bit and add a glossary at the end. Other than that, nothing has been changed.

I was born and raised in Suntan, Texas. My first two years of school were at a private school with a name so silly you might think I was making it up. I attended Pachuco Elementary in the second grade. That summer we moved to Frostbite, Wyoming. There, I attended third grade at Space Alien Elementary for the Foul-Mouthed. We managed to leave that state before we wrinkled up and aged beyond our years like the natives. We could have kissed the ground when we returned to Suntan, Texas. Instead, we peeled our clothes off and ran straight into the surf.

I then attended Karl Marx Elementary for half a year. Mid school year, we moved across the bay to the insignificant town of Paranoia, Texas. I finished the last half of that year as the new kid and continued through to the sixth grade at Nosebleed Elementary. I then went to Unmercifully Cruel Junior High and then graduated from Clique High.

After high school I half-assed attended classes at Equally Unmercifully Cruel Community College (EUCCC) while still living in Paranoia. After that, I managed to escape and return to Suntan to shack up with my girlfriend. After that didn’t work out I moved to Anarchy, Texas; The fourth largest city in America. Here, I worked as a bartender and musician at places called Human Trash Zoo, Tab Walkers, Inevitable 1:00 AM Brawl, etc.

When this healthy lifestyle ended I went to stay with my parents in Misery, Louisiana, in Boredom Parish. I was penniless and instrumentless. After about three months when I got my head screwed all the way back in and nourished back to health I hitched a ride back to Anarchy and met up with my former boss who put me to work in his brand new club called Must Wear Tux Shirt Behind Bar. During that time I married The Shrew and delighted in the birth of our daughter Wednesday. I ditched the bar business, cut my hair off and got a good paying job with regular hours with Beat Our Service Tech To Death Co., Inc. I divorced the Shrew and moved out of my beautiful house and into Zero Privacy Apartment Homes where now I live with my daughter.

Glossary
Suntan, Texas
: Corpus Christi, Texas
Pachuco Elementary: Kostoryz Elementary
Frostbite, Wyoming: Casper, Wyoming
Space Alien Elementary for the Foul-Mouthed: Fairdale Elementary
Karl Marx Elementary: Sanders Elementary
The bay: Corpus Christi Bay
Paranoia, Texas: Portland, Texas
Nosebleed Elementary: T.M. Clark Elementary
Unmercifully Cruel Junior High: Gregory-Portland Junior High
Clique High: Gregory-Portland High School
Equally Unmercifully Cruel Community College (EUCCC): Del Mar College
Anarchy, Texas: Houston, Texas
Misery, Louisiana: Lake Charles, Louisiana
Must wear tux shirt behind bar: Tic Toc
Shrew: Bernadette
Wednesday: Gabby

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There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it worse” (Calvin in Bill Waterson’s Calvin and Hobbes).

I saw this in the last frame of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon in the the mid-eighties and for some reason it stuck with me in the back of my mind all these years. I had no idea that I would understand this completely twenty something years later.

I found out exactly what it feels like Monday night. While I was steaming some green beans on the stove, my daughter and I both dozed off. I woke up about an hour later to find that the water had boiled off and the Teflon coating of the pot had hazed up the apartment. Smoke from Teflon is highly toxic to birds. Actually, deadly.

As soon as I saw what had happened I shut the kitchen down and opened the door and some bedroom windows. I took Gabby’s little Parakeet outside but she was dead by the time I got her there. While I was in the middle of this little drama, Gabby came and said that Jaz, my beloved Congo African Grey parrot was also in distress. I found her trying to climb back up to her favorite spot but she was just to weak to get back up there. I knew what was happening. I wrapped her in a towel, took her outside and petted her head and stroked her beak and then she died right in my hands. She had another 60 years ahead of her.

I really hate myself right now.

It’s not often that I am able to use this lappy (as Romi calls hers). It’s my daughter’s and the school she goes to work the students like pack animals. Whenever I find her crashed out in the middle of her books, notes, spiral notebooks and this computer, I take it and get a little internet time in before she wakes up and gets back to her never ending rock pile of homework.

Some good news for me: It looks like I may finally be able to get a new computer. Maybe. I won’t know until November. Maybe even later. It all depends on how soon big brother sends me my “stimulus” check. Again. For months I wondered why I was the only one who wasn’t getting one of these checks. I found out why when I finally called the IRS last week. They said it was returned as undeliverable. Just my luck. Everything has been straightened out though and the surprisingly polite and helpful representative told me it will be re-sent and I should see it sometime around November of 3000.

I saw the most incredible thing the other day. While I was eating lunch and reading the paper in my truck I looked up just in time to see the biggest damned hawk I’ve ever seen swoop down and snatch one of the trillion pigeons we have here. In one fluid motion that big bird snatched that poor dumb pigeon and glided to the ground with it. Once there, the hawk just stood on it until the poor bird died. After that the hawk started eating it. This was only about 25 feet away. I keep saying hawk because I’m not quite sure what the hell it was. Most of the Hawks I see around here are small. This bird was nearly two feet tall. Was this an eagle?

My daughter’s big, dumb, adorable, solid-white cat is crashed out on my desk. He seems to be dreaming. His mouth is twitching and so is one of his legs. Do animals dream? I have always believed that at least domesticated animals like dogs and cats do. Why else would they be thrashing about like that when they’re sound asleep? If this is true, what goes through their little pea-brains when they wake up? Do they think they actually had that experience or do they just forget about it when they wake up?

1. Back in to someone with the company truck on a Saturday.

Nothing says “bad Monday” like calling your boss about something like this. It happened in a grocery store parking lot. I know, big surprise. Some woman came up behind me and was so far up my ass that just putting it in reverse, without using the gas pedal, I backed into her. Actually, I just rolled into her. There couldn’t have been any more than 12 inches between our bumpers. She got a dimple about the size of a fifty cent piece in the front of her hood and some black scuff marks on her precious plastic bumper. I can pretty much count on her having the entire hood and bumper replaced.

I didn’t make it to the beach yesterday. I blew it off because Gabby caused a . . . Ok, it was because I stayed up too late and overslept. It was Saturday morning. When I woke up I decided to stay one with my california king bed for a few more hours and man, oh, man, did I ever.

As soon as I crawled out of bed and stepped out of my bedroom Gabby roared up in my face and asked if she could meet her friend at Barnes & Noble.
Me: I thought you had a butt-load of Geometry to complete before Monday.
Her: I do. We both do.
Me: Well, why the hell are you two wanting to go to the bookstore?
Her: To do our homework.
Me: (head in lap, scratching head with both hands)
Her: (anticipating my next question) Lots of kids at my school do this. It’s peaceful and quiet and there’s a Starbucks in there.
Me: ?
Me: I see.

So off to Barnes & Noble we went. I didn’t just fall off the turnip wagon; I know they are probably there to see and be seen. That’s okay though. They could be doing a lot worse. If they were bad kids they wouldn’t be hanging out at a bookstore doing homework. When I picked her up I asked if she finished her homework there. She said they finished about half of it. When I asked why they only finished half of it she said “because all those books in there are so distracting”.

I am so not worried about my daughter or her group of friends. In fact, I don’t feel that I’m worthy of this peace of mind. I was a parent’s nightmare as a teen.

Today an AM talk radio show I was listening to asked listeners to call in with examples of “Things They Knew They Shouldn’t Have Done, Did It Anyway But Felt It Was Worth It”. They were giving away stuff; the better the story the better the prize. It made me think about myself and something did come to mind.

I doubt this is the best example but after remembering it I have an irresistable urge to share it with you. After the wife-turned-violent-shrew and I officially parted ways one Saturday night in 2000 I spent the night at our friend’s house and then stayed with my sister for about two weeks until I got a place of my own. Because I left so abruptly I had to go back to the house (which was in my name) several times to get extra clothes and other essentials during those two weeks. I always did this in the middle of the day when she was at work and the kids were at school. She had turned into Regan from “The Excorsist” and there was no way we could be face to face at this time.

One day while in the bathroom area where our closets were my eyes landed on the toothbrush holder. There it was – Her toothbrush. Suddenly, the devil took hold of my hand. I took it out of the holder and began cleaning the toilet with it. I was thorough too. I got the underside of the bottom lid, the upper part of the bowl, the inside of the bowl and most importantly the disgusting underside of the main bowl where God only knows what festers. I looked at the brush and saw that it was now a filthy, nauseating health hazard. In a very brief moment of remorse I did the right thing and washed it off by swishing the brush around in the toilet bowl until all the gunk was washed off. I stuck it back in the holder, got my stuff and left. Yes, it was worth it.

Posted: April 10, 2008 in city, community, life
Tags: , ,

I woke up in a relatively good mood and had a productive day without any problems. That is until I got back to my side of town at the end of the day. I was all over this city today but it wasn’t until I got back to my own neighborhood that my day just went to shit within an hour. It was the very last hour before I got home at the end of the day. I should have just picked up Gabby and gone straight home instead of stopping off at the reptile place first and then going to the grocery store after I picked her up.

My mood took it’s first downward turn when I stopped at the fish and reptile place which wasn’t really urgent because turtles will eat anything. Plus we keep minnows in the aquarium for them to eat and minnows breed like rats. I just did this because Gabby asked me to. Get ready to hear the word “again” over and over. When I got out of my truck and made my way toward the store I noticed that a car was backing out right in front of the store. I waited as they began to slowly pull out so that they could get out and on their way without having to wait for me to get out of the way. The car stopped rolling backward after about three feet and just sat there for awhile. I then started to move across and this time the car lunged backward. I stopped again and stepped back onto the curb and waited for them to continue pulling out. It just sat there and sat there. I started across again and the car lunged backward again. I decided to make my way around the front of the car. This time it started moving foreward preventing me from making my way around the front. I stepped back and waited. Again, it just sat there. I decided to just walk around the back of the car and it started backing up. I stopped. It stopped. I moved. It moved. Finally, I stepped it up and began to dash around the rear again. The car kept up with me foot for foot this time completely blocking me which of course was the intention. Finally, both right-side windows rolled down. What I saw was a car-full of thugs (5 or 6) all looking me right in the eye and laughing their useless, worthless, intoxicated, lazy asses off at my expense.

I bought the damned turtle food and went to pick up Gabby around the corner. From there we went to the store. When it was time to check our items out I decided to have it checked for me because I had a lot of produce and the self check lines were backing up into the aisles. Well, guess what? For the second time in a row it turned out to be the same little 19 or 20 something shit-head that checked out my groceries over the weekend. He has little-guy syndrome. Same as little man syndrome. He stands about 5′ 4″ has a permanently clenched jaw and lips pursed so tightly that you couldn’t drive a nail between them. My 14 year-old daughter is taller than he is and I think he noticed that. Of course he never even looked up at me when he started angrily scanning my stuff. When he had completed that, without looking up he said “Kroger card.” I handed it to him. He handed it back to me with my change. I said “Thank you.” He never even looked up. I thanked him again a little more audibly. He just looked up for less than a second, snorted through his nose, looked back down and began ringing up the next customer. I decided at that moment that the next time this ever happens, no matter where it is, I am going to tell them what to do with themselves and where to go and walk away leaving the store’s property to rot at the register.

After that we took some back streets home in total silence. Gabby knew I was extremely pissed off. I nearly bit my tongue in half to keep from expressing how I was feeling at this point. As we rounded the last corner and were no more than a block from home, some thug with two pit bulls started crossing the street way down the street in front of us. I slowed down to allow the guy enough time for him and his dogs to get across the street before I reached that point. What does he do? The closer I get, the slower he moves. When I finally get in direct proximity, he and his attack dogs stop dead in the middle of the street and face my truck just daring me to run over them. Believe me, I was temped. The message from this particular thug was clear: You get out of our way when we’re in the streets, or else. At this point I’d had about all I could take. So just to make a point I did not go around him. I slowed down to a stop right in front of him and layed on the horn. This class-act called me a mother fucker and slapped the hood of my truck. I had Gabby in the truck and he had two pit bulls. What can I do? When he got out of my way I drove home.